Search results for

"issues"

miscarriage, loss, pregnancy, I forgot, fertility, motherlode, babble.com, babble, amy klein

An Open Letter to Babble.com in Regard to Fertility Issues

by Deborah Cruz 2013/08/16

Dear Babble,

What were you thinking running the article about Motherlode columnist, Amy Klein’s fertility issues, titled Should We Be Sympathetic to a 42-Year-Old’s Fertility Struggles? May I ask, were all the editors on vacation? Was there a hiatus on good judgment and common decency? Seriously, wtf were you thinking? Normally, I am a fan of Babble. Many of my friends write there and generally it’s very PG and non-threatening, a great resource for parents, but this particular post was deplorable. I know from her bio that the author is a comedienne but this shit was not funny.at.all!

And in answer to your “question” …Yeah, Hell Yeah! You should feel sympathetic to anyone’s fertility issues because it’s a problem for the person who has it whether she is 25 or 45. Just like you should feel sympathy and compassion for a rape victim, no matter what she was wearing, how drunk she was or who she was dry humping the night she was raped. The same reason you feel compassion for patients with cancer, whether they smoked every day of their life, drank themselves into oblivion or played with radiation!

You are sympathetic because you are human and you have compassion to people’s struggles. You are sympathetic because you have not lived in their shoes and don’t know their story. You are sympathetic because you shouldn’t kick a person when they are down. You are sympathetic because you don’t want to be the mean kid on the playground; the bullying asshole that everyone else hates. But, instead, you chose to let one of your writers pen a condescending post on her thoughts on fertility issues, from her fertile high horse. Nice move; not very Disney of you, at all.

“These are the days of ugly emotions. Infertility hijacks your schedule, damages your relationship with your spouse and unleashes in you terrible jealousy of other women, women who conceive easily, without thought, without drugs, without dozens of days lost to medical intervention. Women whose biggest problems are swollen feet.”
Those seem like fighting words coming from a 42-year-old woman trying to get pregnant for the first time, I thought. Surely this woman must understand that at her age fertility problems are to be expected when trying to conceive for the first time. How could she be so angry? Didn’t she see this coming?
Moreover, like so many people do when confronted with this sort of thing, I thought, ”Are we really supposed to feel sorry for a 42-year-old woman who is doing IVF when she could just adopt?”

My head nearly exploded when I read the above part of the article. Let’s be honest, I know all about link bait and controversy. In fact, I am no stranger to controversy and I know I piss people off with my strong opinions on everything from gun control to breastfeeding but I would never make fun of a person who is physically unable to do something like breastfeeding, I don’t poke fun at the mentally ill and I certainly would never interview a mother of a child who found her gun and shot himself and ridicule her because I have one thing that this article lacks; human decency.

The article began dripping of judgment and condescension, on a parenting website. This should be a safe place for moms, not a place to be shamed and ridiculed. Then the author said she was going to give the woman the benefit of an interview, for context and understanding, only the entire interview read like this; ( paraphrased; these are not direct quotes ) To be fair: I do not know this writer or her story or her issues, I am only responding to how the piece was written. She may be perfectly lovely and may have just been having an off day but this is how I felt the piece came off and many of my FB followers agree.

Amy Klein (Interviewee) : Explanation, explanation, and explanation

Author at Babble: (dripping with condescension) You should have tried to get pregnant earlier.

Author at Babble: Why don’t you adopt?

Author: I married young because I knew I wanted to get married and I wanted to have a family. In marrying so young, I made a choice that didn’t work out and I’m now divorced, but I have a beautiful daughter. It seems that often women are cornered in these ways: wait to find someone you feel truly compatible with and enter a marriage you feel as certain as possible will last but then deal with potential fertility issues, or marry young and take your chances when you’re still quite fertile. Not that it’s always an either/or situation, but still. Based on the way things have played out for you, what advice would you give to younger women when it comes to love/marriage/babies? I mentioned on Facebook a while back that women should take the time they need to try to find a truly healthy love relationship, but that if they don’t find a great partner by their mid-30′s, they should just have a baby alone.

Author at Babble: That’s why I had my baby when I was young and fertile. I am divorced now, but I have my kid. Maybe you should have thought about all of this 20 years ago…when you were still fertile.

Amy Klein (exhausted and demeaned): Goes Home.

Please, Please, Please editors, read posts before they go live. Babble, I expected more from you. We all do. This post has left a bad taste in my mouth for Babble and I am sure it has for other readers, as well. Try a little human kindness when addressing the issue of fertility.

Sincerely,

Truthful Mommy

2013/08/16 4 comments

Stella Boonshoft. self-image, body awareness

Health

Stella Boonshoft: Body Issues Be Damned, It’s My Body, Deal with it!

by Deborah Cruz 2012/10/21

written by Deborah Cruz

Stella Boonshoft; You Rock my Socks Off

Stella Boonshoft a New York University student took this photograph of herself in a bikini and posted it on her Tumblr account, The Body Love Blog.

Photographer Brandon Stanton then published the same image on his Facebook fan site, Humans of New York on Thursday, where it has since garnered 455,000 likes and been shared 20,000 times.

The image of Stella Boonshoft in her bikini has sparked a debate about body image and traditional notions of beauty, with some people congratulating Boonshoft and calling her an inspiration, and others criticizing the image for promoting obesity.

I don’t know about you but, as a woman who pretty much looks exactly like this in my own bikini right now and has battled with crappy eating disorders and been plagued with body dysmorphic disorder, this photo gives me hope. I am inspired by her tenacity and proud to know that there are women out there who are trying to change the status quo. I’m not saying that I want to live in a world where it’s accepted that people are unhealthy. I want better for people. I want them to be able to be healthy and fit but more than that, I want to raise my girls in a world where it’s okay to love yourself even if you are not a size 0. We need more role models.

I can’t be a role model. I am not that comfortable in my own skin. I try to be. I try to accept who I am but I have a long ways to go. I KNOW that I am blessed to be healthy and my worth is not in the size of my pants but this girl inspires me, which is exactly what she set out to do for women everywhere.

Stella Boonshoft Super hero to Young Women

“I know what I am trying to do, which is help young women struggling with their body image and expose the hypocrisy and cruelty that is size-ism,” she says on her site. “[fusion_builder_container hundred_percent=”yes” overflow=”visible”][fusion_builder_row][fusion_builder_column type=”1_1″ background_position=”left top” background_color=”” border_size=”” border_color=”” border_style=”solid” spacing=”yes” background_image=”” background_repeat=”no-repeat” padding=”” margin_top=”0px” margin_bottom=”0px” class=”” id=”” animation_type=”” animation_speed=”0.3″ animation_direction=”left” hide_on_mobile=”no” center_content=”no” min_height=”none”][I know that] is SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT [than] whatever feelings I may have about myself.”
‘THIS IS MY BODY, DEAL WITH IT’ : Stella Boonshoft in her own words
‘WARNING: Picture might be considered obscene because subject is not thin. And we all know that only skinny people can show their stomachs and celebrate themselves. Well I’m not going to stand for that. This is my body. Not yours. MINE. Meaning the choices I make about it, are none of your … business. Meaning my size, is none of your … business.

I wish there were more women like you in the world. You go Stella Boonshoft.

What do you think of Stella Boonshoft’s dare to be honest bikini photo?

Photo

[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

2012/10/21 10 comments

Mental Health

The Effects of Stress and What You Can Do to Stop It

by Deborah Cruz 2023/02/21

written by Deborah Cruz

Estimated reading time: 7 minutes

Have you ever found yourself stressed the F out and you just couldn’t shake yourself out of it? Stress can sneak up on you. Sometimes it takes our bodies reacting before our mind realizes what’s going on. That’s how panic and anxiety manifest in my house. So, if you’ve been feeling overly stressed lately, I just want you to know that you’re not alone. Right now, feeling stressed out seems to be the national pastime. The COVID-19 pandemic didn’t just affect us physically but also, had a profound effect on the mental health of most of the population. Add to that the fact that job satisfaction levels are at an all-time low among many and it’s easy to see why we’re all so stressed out.

Why Is Stress a Problem?

Many people assume that high levels of stress are not a big deal and accept it as just a part of living. However, this is not the case. In reality, it’s not healthy to deal with massive levels of stress in your life. Stress can manifest in all kinds of physical ways that will have you Googling symptoms and self-diagnosing with WebMD. Don’t do it. Here are some of the key ways that stress can impact you that you do need to be aware of.

Chronic Pain

First, stress can manifest in forms of chronic pain. Pain like this can impact virtually any area of your body. Due to this, it’s important to make sure that you are working to heal your mind as well as your body. Chronic pain can make it difficult to function effectively on a daily basis. If you are in severe pain, you might assume that it’s a physical issue. In reality, the route of your pain could be connected to a mental health problem.

Depression and Anxiety

Stress can also make other mental health issues more likely or more significant. This includes possibilities such as depression and anxiety. If you are stressed, you are always going to find it more difficult to deal with certain aspects of life including problems that you are currently facing. This can lead to people becoming depressed or growing more anxious than usual. This is one of the reasons why levels of stress are often more significant to your well-being and your mental health than most people realize.

Chronic Health Conditions

You could also find that you are more likely to develop issues with chronic health conditions if you are more stressed. Various research has found evidence that stress increases the symptoms of certain chronic health conditions. This includes conditions such as RSI, tinnitus and even diabetes. Other research has provided evidence that stress is somewhat linked to certain severe conditions including particular forms of cancer. This is not surprising when you consider that tension will impact every aspect of the body including your muscles as well as your mind.

Diet

One of the main ways people tend to deal with stress is by binge eating or engaging in another unhealthy habit. As such, it’s possible that stress is going to have a ripple effect on your diet. This is one of the reasons why you should absolutely think about monitoring what you are eating and drinking if you do feel as though you are under a lot of pressure. You don’t want to get into a situation where your diet changes dramatically without you fully realizing it.

Appearance

You could also find that stress changes your appearance. As mentioned, stress can have an impact on the physical aspects of your body and this does include your appearance. For instance, you might find that you notice changes to your hair. If you are overly stressed, you could notice that your hair seems a lot thinner or frailer. You could also notice that skin conditions tend to flare up when you are more stressed. This could include eczema, acne and dry skin or redness. The good news is that if you read articles like: Is eczema contagious: everything you need to know, you’ll find that you don’t have to worry about issues like this being too serious. The symptoms will gradually disappear over a few days if they are tied to your mental health.

Sleep

You may also find that high levels of stress start to impact your sleep patterns as well. If you are overly stressed, you probably will struggle to sleep through the night. This could mean that you have difficulty getting the amount of sleep that your body requires. That in turn can lead to lower levels of energy than usual which will make it more difficult to function overall. You might even develop issues with insomnia if your stress is severe.

How to Fight Back Against Stress

Now that you understand some of the issues that stress can cause in your life, it’s important to consider some of the steps that you can take to combat it the right way. Here are some of the options that you can and absolutely should consider.

Identify Your Triggers

First, you should make sure that you are taking the time to identify the triggers of your stress. There can be lots of different types of stress triggers that you might need to consider here. For instance, high levels of stress could be due to your work or career. Alternatively, you might find that it’s something related to the people in your life. If people around you are toxic, then they can cause you a lot of stress.

Find Ways To Relax

Next, you should think about finding ways to relax throughout the day. There are lots of options that you can explore to try and relax when you feel stressed or overwhelmed. You might want to try breathing exercises. This helps regulate the level of oxygen that your brain receives each day. As such, it can help you think more clearly and solve problems far more effectively over time. Of course, this isn’t the only option that you can consider when you are trying to relax a little more.

Try Exercise

You might also want to consider exercise as a way to relax. Exercise will allow you to work off the tension that is troubling you. Again, this can help ensure that you are able to think far more clearly overall and ensure that you are not plagued by issues.

The good news here is that there are lots of different types of exercise that you can explore which could be beneficial to you. As such, you don’t need to just focus on something like lifting weights. Low-impact exercises such as yoga can be highly beneficial.

Improve Your Diet

Next, you should explore the best ways to improve your diet. While stress can change what you eat, stress can also be partially caused by a poor diet. If you are not eating the right foods on a regular basis, then you won’t be giving your mind the fuel that it needs to function effectively.

This could mean that you struggle to think clearly when you are faced with a problem or a task. That could be why you constantly feel as though you are overwhelmed. There are lots of ‘brain foods’ that could help with this. However, in general, you should make sure that you are getting your five a day and a relatively balanced diet. This will help ensure that stress doesn’t become a major issue in your life.

Make Changes to Your Life

Once you have identified the issues that are causing you stress, it’s important to be ready to make some changes. There are lots of positive changes that you can explore here. For instance, you might want to work on setting a schedule for yourself throughout the day. This will allow you to stay on top of targets and avoid a situation where you feel as though things are starting to build up or grow out of your control.

Alter Your Environment

It’s also worth considering whether or not your environment is contributing to higher levels of stress than usual in your life. This could relate to both your home and professional environment. For instance, it’s possible that your home isn’t set up for good mental health. This can be the case if your home is overly cluttered and filled with things that you don’t need. Research also suggests that keeping a high air quality can improve stress levels and ensure that you will be able to think far more clearly overall.

Seek Support

Finally, if you are struggling with high levels of stress and tension in your life, then you should think about seeking out support. It’s possible and indeed likely that your stress is tied to trauma or a deeper aspect of your past. If that’s the case, then it’s in your best interest to make sure that you are doing something about this. Speaking to a professional can help because they will encourage you to tackle a type of trauma like this head-on.

We hope this helps you understand some of the key steps that you can take to fight back against high levels of stress in your life to ensure that it doesn’t have a severe impact on your well-being. In doing so, you can get your life back on track and focus on things that truly matter.

2023/02/21 0 comment

Home

How to Stop Your House from Becoming a Money Pit

by Deborah Cruz 2021/10/21

written by Deborah Cruz

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

As a homeowner, you find out pretty quickly that there are always unexpected issues and costs. Surprise, the central air isn’t working! Surprise, the house isn’t level! Surprise, an opossum is living in your attic and it smells like he died! Staying on top of your home’s many unexpected issues and covering the costs of them can not only be stressful but costly, as well. But there are ways to cut those costs with a little diligence and maintenance (which is less effective than fixing something that has already broken). It’ll take some awareness, planning, diligence and elbow grease but it’s cheaper than the alternative. Let’s talk about how to stop your house from becoming a money pit.

Sure Money Pit was a funny movie but no one actually wants to live that life. So if you feel like your home has become a huge financial drain on your family, now is the time to do something about it. Below are tips and ideas to help you to start making small positive changes that will save you money.

How to stop your house from becoming a money pit

Clean Everything Regularly

One of the first and most important things you can do with your home is make sure that it’s kept properly clean and in good shape at all times. By doing the basic things like this, you can make sure that no bigger issues arise later on because that’s not what anyone wants. When you clean the home inside and out on a regular basis, you can make things like mold issues less likely. It’ll help avoid problems later. I’m not saying anything crazy like dusting every week, making the bed daily or even putting away that folded laundry, I’m saying basic upkeep so you’ll notice when things aren’t right.

Create a Savings Fund for Home Maintenance

The fat is not lost on me that this is easier said than done. But if you want to make sure that you don’t get hit financially upside the head by the cost of looking after your home, creating a savings account that allows you to cover those costs without having to forgo eating and obliterating your finances in the meantime. Putting just a little money aside each month that can go towards maintaining your home and making sure all of those costs are covered is a good idea. And any savings that aren’t used can be put to use when a bigger repair needs to be made in the future or a family vacation.

Get an Energy Audit

Getting an energy audit carried out by a professional is a good idea if you want to reduce the running costs of your home. From day to day, we all use energy in the home. And it makes sense to use less of it, both from a green and eco-friendly point of view, and a money saving point of view. When you have an energy audit carried out, you’ll get to see how and where you’re currently wasting energy and what kinds of changes you can make in order to improve things.

Ensure the Ground Slopes Away from the Home

One of the problems that many homeowners face relates to water and how it impacts the foundations of the home. If you have lots of standing water around the home, that’s not going to be good for you. Make sure that the ground around your property slopes away from the house. By doing that, you can make sure that any rainwater flows away from your home and not towards it. It might sound like a small thing but it’s massively important especially if you got a “great deal” in a flood zone.

Inspect the Roof Every 6 Months

Inspecting the roof is something that you should try to do at least once every 6 months or so. You never know when a problem might arise, and when it does, you want to get it checked out as soon as possible. The truth is lots of roof problems go unnoticed for a long time, and when they are finally noticed, it costs a lot of money to get them fixed. So be sure to consider that and think about having your home’s roof inspected at least a couple of times a year.

Put a Home Warranty in Place

Putting as many measures in place as possible to ensure that home repairs don’t end up costing you a fortune is a good idea. And that’s one of the key reasons why you should think about putting a home warranty in place if you haven’t done so already. This will mean that if you do suffer any issues in your home, some of the costs will be covered for you by the warranty. It’s the kind of security measure that you definitely need to have in place if you want to avoid big financial impacts in the event of something going wrong.

Create a Maintenance Schedule

Having a regular maintenance schedule in place is something that can help a lot when it comes to taking care of all the things that need to be taken care of regarding your home. It’s so easy to overlook or forget about certain things when you don’t have a schedule in place that you can follow and fall back on. That schedule can be followed week after week, month after month, ensuring your home stays in the best condition possible.

Make Sure the Carry Water Away from Your Home

We’ve already talked a bit about the impact water can have on your home and its integrity. If you want to go further in making sure that standing water around the base of your home doesn’t become a big problem for you, you should think about the role your gutters might play in that. If the gutters are dumping water next to your home, you have a problem. Ensuring the drainage system is doing everything it should do and that water is being carried away from the home safely is going to be key.

Replace Heating and Cooling Filters Every Few Months

Your heating and cooling system is something you won’t want to overlook when it comes to avoiding financial disasters. When something goes wrong with it, it can be very expensive to fix. That’s why you should take extra care to maintain the system well and have someone look at it for you regularly if you’re not sure how to do it yourself. One of the most important things you can do is replace the filters every few months, or even monthly if you want to be extra cautious.

Fix Gaps and Damage to the Home’s Exterior Right Away

If you notice any gaps in the exterior of your home or holes that simply shouldn’t be there, it’s a good idea to have these filled and fixed right away. Any damage to the exterior should be dealt with sooner rather than later and that’s something that you can take care of yourself in most cases. The first task, however, is to check the exterior on a regular basis and make sure that you’re noticing these issues sooner rather than later.

Install Stronger Locks on Doors and Windows

Installing the strongest possible locks on the doors and windows of your property is another thing that you might want to consider. If you don’t do this, you’ll always run the risk of these entry points causing you security problems. Stronger locks and doors will avoid damage being done via a break-in and, most importantly, avoid the break-in from happening in the first place. So that’s definitely something to think about.

As you can see, there are lots of things you can do to stop your home feeling like such a financial burden for your family, so be sure to make the most of each of the tips and ideas discussed above. By making the right changes in the right areas, there’s no reason why you can’t save yourself a lot of money.

2021/10/21 0 comment

Mental Health Weight Loss Women's Issues

Eating Disorders affect more than just your Body; Maura Kelly

by Deborah Cruz 2010/10/26

written by Deborah Cruz

Maura Kelly, sex and relationship blogger for Marie Claire, wrote a post yesterday titled, Should “Fatties” Get a Room? (Even on TV?).The post was about the sitcom Mike & Molly, “the show centers around a couple who meet at an Overeaters Anonymous group has drawn complaints for its abundance of fat jokes [as well as] cries from some viewers who aren’t comfortable watching intimacy between two plus-sized actors.” In her post, she expressed her disdain for having to watch two “Fatties” make out, or simply walk across a room. This post garnered a lot of attention on the blogosphere and spread through twitter like a wildfire. I know, I was there..fanning the flames. I thought, what a monumental asshole this broad is behaving like. My next thought, who the hell is running that joint Marie Claire? Are there no editors? Talk about free speech!

OK, so she wrote a post about a sitcom. The problem is how she wrote it. The voice she used was very condescending and insulting. I agree with her that I don’t like to watch two people make out either but it has nothing to do with size, shape, color; I simply do not want to feel like I am watching porn. If that is what I wanted, well, I’d let the Big Guy choose something. But Ms. Kelly just kept repeatedly stepping in the proverbial dog shit. It was as if she backed up and stepped in it all over again, just to make sure she got it on her shoe. As evidenced by this quote

So anyway, yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.

As if that were not enough, she continued on

But … I think obesity is something that most people have a ton of control over. It’s something they can change, if only they put their minds to it.
(I’m happy to give you some nutrition and fitness suggestions if you need them — but long story short, eat more fresh and unprocessed foods, read labels and avoid foods with any kind of processed sweetener in them whether it’s cane sugar or high fructose corn syrup, increase the amount of fiber you’re getting, get some kind of exercise for 30 minutes at least five times a week, and do everything you can to stand up more — even while using your computer — and walk more. I admit that there’s plenty that makes slimming down tough, but YOU CAN DO IT! Trust me. It will take some time, but you’ll also feel so good, physically and emotionally. A nutritionist or personal trainer will help — and if you can’t afford one, visit your local YMCA for some advice.)

This part is simply insulting to injury because you see Ms. Kelly has had self-admitted issues with eating disorders, anorexia in particular, herself. So, really she shouldn’t be giving diet and nutritional advice to anyone. ANYONE! She claims to be recovered. Of course, having had my own experience with eating disorders, I know that being a recovered Anorexic is about the same as being a “recovered” alcoholic. You may have stopped the behavior but you have to take it one day at a time because you can’t unlearn what you’ve already become privy to. You may decide that it’s not the way for you and stop the behavior but your mind still knows the path.

I’m no shrink but I’d say, from my own past experience, I had NO tolerance for overweight people because I was insane with an obsession with my own weight. I felt like if I could control myself from eating, what I ate, how much I ate, when I ate, if I ate; then why couldn’t others show the same self-control? You develop a disgust because partly they don’t have your self-control, but with that, they also do not have your misery. The misery that wanting brings and this causes some jealousy and resentment. I’m not saying she still has eating issues but I think maybe she still needs to work through to her own resolution. This is not an excuse and probably not understandable to anyone who has not experienced these issues.

I’ve been “recovering” from these issues for 13 years and I still battle with acceptance of my own body. I have chosen to do it the right way, the slow..healthy, working out, eating the right way. With the time it takes the body to heal it also gives the mind and spirit time to heal, appropriately. I do not cringe at heavy set people anymore. That was my own self-loathing being externalized. I say to each his own. There is a terrible obesity epidemic in the United States and, for health’s sake, I hope people can come around to healthier lifestyles.

There is nothing wrong with the show Mike and Molly, it is representative of a large part of our population. What’s wrong with having a show that lets us see these two people falling in love? Don’t they deserve the same happiness that anyone else deserves? Shame on you Maura Kelly for projecting your own issues onto the overweight people of the world. Does it make you feel better to make them feel worse? Just remember how miserable you felt when you were obsessing over your weight, and now realize that your piece may have done that for some poor overweight woman or girl! If you’re not part of the solution, you are part of the problem.

2010/10/26 25 comments

Dear America, election, Donald Trump, parenting, politics, racism, misogyny, bigotry, children, America, American values, xenophobia, America is great

News Women's Issues

It doesn’t matter if You are an Ass or an Elephant, this Election is about Humans

by Deborah Cruz 2012/09/06

written by Deborah Cruz

This election is a game changer. I’ve been sucked in, once again. I never think of myself as overly political. Yes, I am technically a political scientist. That is what one of the degrees in my office says anyways. I own it. But I’ve tried to stay out of it this election season but when others begin to attack me for my beliefs solely for my stance on an issue and then try to place blame on my suspected political affiliation, I take offense especially when the case in point had nothing to do with political affiliation and everything to do with calling bullshit on something that I found to be disingenuous. I don’t appreciate being called names and having my beliefs questioned simply because someone suspects I’m a democrat. I take offense because I don’t practice politics with blind, unfounded hate. There is no you and I. There is only “WE”, we the people.

There was a point in time where I loved absolutely everything about politics and history and the United States and law, but that was a lifetime ago. There was also a time that I was a Republican and almost fainted when I got to shake the hand of of George H.W. Bush at my campus rally. he was no Bill Clinton but hey, we can’t all be that damn charming. Yes, that was many moons ago, as well. But that is not who I am anymore.

Today, I am a grown up. I have children, responsibilities, parents who are retired, a mortgage and a quality of life. I can’t play fast and loose with my future. Today, I know that life is not black or white but various shades of gray ( maybe 50 or so). When I vote in an election or choose a candidate to support, I don’t vote straight democrat or republican because I am not blind, deaf and dumb.

I do not live in a bubble. I vote on the issues. I vote for the candidate who is going to make the world, at the very least, this country, a better place for my daughters to grow up in. I vote for the person whose ideology most closely resembles my own and who has the capability to make the changes in the world that I want to see. I vote issues and if the person who agrees with my issues happens to be charismatic, that’s a bonus.

I want a doer not a talker. I want a person of integrity and action. I want someone who is accountable to their constituents. I want someone who understands what an honor and privilege it is that we are bestowing upon him/her.I want someone who respects and values women and our control over our own bodies. I want someone who doesn’t think of women as property or cattle. I want someone who treats everyone fairly regardless of class, sex, religion or color of skin. I want someone who only sees red, white and blue and not just green.

I want someone who understands the American people, after all government is supposed to be for the people and by the people. I think a lot of people have forgotten that. We have the right and privilege of electing these people. They are our representatives. Their job is to make our government reflect our wants and needs, not the other way around. People seem to have forgotten that. Government is not for big business. That may be who funds campaigns but that is not who votes them in. That, my friends, is you and I.

An election is the chance for you and I to Change the world

My point is that we are voting for people who we hope can fix the issues that are important to us. We are voting for humans not mastheads.I generally try not to be outrageously political on my site, but sometimes you have to take a stand for what’s right. Do what makes you happy. But I become a little bit dismayed when I see politics being played so blatantly only for votes, where there is no substance, no relevance and deceptions are being transpired. A presidential election should not be a beauty contest or a popularity contest, a presidential election should be considered with the weight and gravity that it holds. An election is a chance to change the world and the person we vote for is the person we trust to make that happen; to represent us, to fight for us, to protect our basic rights. The person we vote for in this election needs to be able to truly identify with ‘we the people’.

I don’t understand how some people can be so blindly partisan that the minute you mention one candidate or the other, walls go up, insults are hurled and grown adults become as undignified and rude as overtired, tantruming children in the toy aisle.

Please vote in this election, it could change all of our lives

I know who I am voting for this November. It’s the same man I helped put into office four years ago. The same man who changed history. The man who is making a difference for the better. President Obama was handed a mess when he took office and he’s been working his ass off to clean it up. He’s like a mother with several children under the age of 6, trying to keep everyone satisfied, fed and clean while trying to make ends meet and maintain a successful relationship with the people around him on little to no sleep. He’s doing his best and it’s making a difference. Slow and steady wins the race, my friends.Fast talking and promises with no merit mean nothing.

Please vote wisely. I don’t care who you vote for this election as long as you know the issues and choose the candidate that you feel can truly do the most good for our country, no matter if he happens to be an ass or an elephant.

God Bless you and God Bless America

Photo

2012/09/06 3 comments

Women's Issues

Whole House Inspection

by Deborah Cruz 2012/07/17

written by Deborah Cruz

This is not the actual door in question

This is just 1 thing a whole house inspection might reveal

Whole House Inspection is stressing me out. So we are closing on the house we sold Friday and we have an offer on a house. We do not mess around. We‘ve been living with my in laws for almost a year and I think it’s safe to say that we are all ready for this time in our life to come to a close. We are all ready to move on. Like so ready to move on that, right now, any house that is slightly more secure than a cardboard box and on the other side of town from my in laws sounds suitable. Which brings us to our whole house inspection.

Last Wednesday, we had the whole house inspection on the house we are going to purchase. We expected a couple minor issues. What we found were a few major issues and a plethora of minor issues. In total, about $20,000 worth of repairs.

I know what you are thinking; walk away. Hell, RUN AWAY! Run fast b*tch in the opposite direction, back to your in laws if you have to. And you are completely correct. That is exactly what we did when we got our 32-page report from the home inspection. Yes, 32 pages. It took 5 hours. I know because we had to be there for the entire thing. We’ve purchased 3 houses and this is the first one that we ever had to be present for the inspection. Boy, am I glad we did. The inspector walked us through and explained all the issues to us, in real time. The main issue is that the foundation has a crack, make that two cracks in it, and the entire back of the house needs to be lifted to fix it. It’s not like the house is falling down but there is a ¾ inch difference in the level of the room within a 5 foot span. There is a definite slope. That is not a cheap fix. That was enough for us to walk away. A foundation repair to fix the cracks and Earthquake Retrofitting Services are recommended to improve the overall structural integrity and seismic resistance of the house. If you are looking for an expert for stonework masonry repair or restoration, the expert masonry contractors from Depend Exteriors can help with their professional services for residential and commercial sectors, learn more at Depend Exteriors website.

Whole House Inspections Never Lie

Then, we found a leak between the upstairs bathroom and the kitchen window below it. We don’t know which bathroom is leaking, as they share a wall, and we don’t know how extensive the leak is, how long it’s been going on or if there is mold in the walls. There is also another leak in the front of the house from the roof gutter. So, we’re looking to contact a roof repair in Shelby Township to fix that. Did I mention that as a result of the foundation issue, the door jams are sloped (not completely noticeable) but if you try to shut some of the doors it’s like PeeWee Herman’s fun house? So our offer was contingent upon the whole house inspection. We said thank you but no thank you; we don’t want a sloping fun house that is going to be a money pit. We would please like our earnest money back, thank you and have a nice life.

The seller’s agent came back with a “ We’re not going to roll over. We will fix everything!” Everything! Now, this was exhilarating news until we realized what must be wrong with this house that this dude is willing to spend $20,000 to fix it just to unload it. Is there a dead body in the wall? I don’t need another ghost. Is there some Amityville Horror going on in that house? I don’t want to find out. Or is he just desperate enough to pay to fix it because he is sick of paying for it and wants to move forward with his life? I mean, we are taking a $20,000 check to the closing of the house we sold because we just needed to move on. We don’t live there anymore and there is nothing wrong with our house, well, there may or may not be the issue of Casper. Either way, we are paying someone $20,000 to take our house. Why wouldn’t this guy?

Still. I am leery. The contract stipulates that all repairs have to be to our satisfaction so there is no room for cutting corners because then we can still walk away or does this dude just really need that earnest money of ours? I’m torn. I want to move and logic tells me that if he fixes everything by professionals, then the house is fine. Right? Well, there is still the possible issue of the dead body in the wall or the Amityville Horror scenario, either way, I will be having this house blessed and priest tested before signing the closing documents.

Have you ever had this happen? What would you do if your whole house inspection gave a lot of negative feedback but the seller agreed to pay for the repairs?

Be Sure to Get a Whole House Inspection

[/fusion_builder_column][/fusion_builder_row][/fusion_builder_container]

2012/07/17 3 comments

Parenting

Parenting an Angry Child and Remembering to Love Them

by Deborah Cruz 2011/12/14

written by Deborah Cruz

Since the commuter marriage fiasco of 2010-2011, there has been some definite backlash. The biggest backlash can be seen on a daily basis with my 4-year-old, Gabi. She’s one of those children who does everything in a big way. She loves in a big way, plays in a big way, feels every single emotion in a really impactful way. She also hurts in a very big way and I have found myself in the undesirable position of parenting an angry child.

Parenting an angry child is hard.

Gabi’s always been high strung and easily frustrated. Since being apart from her the Big Guy for 2 years at the ripe old ages of 2-4, she’s developed some attachment issues. I made the decision to stay in our home with the girls after the Big Guy lost his job, and found another one across the country. We all followed to be together. Within 7 months, we were downsized just as we were putting down new roots. We stiff upper lipped it and thanked God we were all together.

Out of a need to support his family, the Big Guy took the first job that he found, which was a 4-hour drive from our home and was a contract position. For those not familiar, contracting is like freelancing without an exact expiration date and after the recent relo and uproot we wanted the girls to have stability. We made the hardest choice of our married and parenting life thus far; we decided, for the sake of the girls, that I would reside in our home with our girls and the Big Guy would come home every weekend. This was not an easy decision and was hard on every one of us. It was almost unbearable.

Parenting an angry child is heartbreaking.

To anyone who’s never done this, let me assure you that it’s much harder than it sounds or you can imagine. We bit off more than we could chew. To say it was trying is the understatement of the year (of the 2 years). I may have given the girls a “home” but in the process robbed them of the attachment of their father.

This past August we uprooted from the only true home the girls have ever known so that we could all be together and moved in with our in-laws (that’s an entirely different post). The home we left behind is the home where Bella had every first from 5 months on and the very home where Gabi was conceived, born and raised for the past four years. It was just getting to be too hard on all of us; the children, the marriage and boundaries and relationships were getting blurred.

Both girls have abandonment issues now. Worse yet, Gabi is a very angry child due to the hurt and attachment issues she experienced at such a young age. I feel like the world’s shittiest mother when she’s screaming that she hates me and tells me that I don’t love her because she has been wounded in this process. I pray not irrevocably damaged. Her pain and frustration are audible but sometimes it’s hard to not get angry in response.

I love her so much but parenting an angry child who constantly gets frustrated and goes directly to ” I hate you”, “You’re the worst Mom in the world”, ” You don’t love me do you?” is hard, especially the latter. Hearing “You don’t love me do you?” through tears and anger, cuts me to my quick and breaks my heart while simultaneously stirring feelings of anger. I try to reassure her, but it is met with a barrage of insults and disbelief.

Logic tells me that I need to listen and respond in an affirming way to let her know that she is safe and we will never leave her. It breaks my heart to know how badly I’ve hurt her simply by doing what I thought was best. Parenting is not an exact science but when parenting an angry child there is an even smaller margin of error.

READ ALSO: My Daughter thinks I’m Ugly

I’m trying to educate myself about how to do this parenting an angry child business appropriately without causing further damage and understanding what she needs. I am trying to learn to respond and react appropriately. Remembering to set boundaries on her behavior without belittling her feelings. Even if the chance of abandonment is never going to happen, she needs to know and feel secure that there is nothing she could ever do to make us leave. More importantly, the separation was not because of anything she did or was the cause of.

I need her to understand that we recognize her feelings. We need to help her recognize her primary feelings before it gets to the secondary feeling of anger. For angry children, anger is almost never the initial reaction to a situation. It is usually preceded for a split second by embarrassment, sadness, fear, hurt, disappointment or worry. I need to catch that moment and let her know that I recognize THAT feeling and that it’s okay to feel that way. I need to let Gabs know that I understand that she is feeling that way and that it is perfectly normal. Assure her that there is no blame. I need to love her, even when she is trying to push me away. I need her to know that our parent-child relationship is unbreakable.

Parenting an Angry Child will Heal her Wounds

It’s a long road ahead but I will do whatever is necessary to repair this wound and soothe my angry child. Do you have an angry child? What are some techniques you use to move past the anger when parenting an angry child? How do you validate without frustrating your angry child or getting angry yourself? How does this work with other siblings? Being that the squeaky wheel gets the oil, does this cause other issues with the more adjusted children? How do you go about parenting an angry child?

2011/12/14 6 comments

why I write, blog, blogger, the TRUTH about Motherhood

Blogging Parenting

You Know what they Say About Making Assumptions

by Deborah Cruz 2014/06/23

written by Deborah Cruz

This is not the post that I meant to write today. I meant to write about my family road trip to Boston. And I want to be that person who just let’s things roll of her back. I really do but it’s Monday and I’m not accustomed to being called out and belittled for having an opinion. I’m all about respectful, intelligent debate but name calling is for children not intelligent adults.

See, way back in 2009, I started my blog. I called it The TRUTH about Motherhood because I was right in the thick of Motherhood and it seemed to fit my voice and where I was in life. I just wanted to write.

A friend of mine who worked in traditional media said that the wave of writing was moving to online and to get work, I needed an “online presence”. Hell, I had been neck deep in babies for the past four years, I had no idea what that even was and God knows I didn’t have the time to write about being a mom because I was too damn busy actually being a mom.

The first year was a joke. Seriously, I had no idea what I was doing. I had a few goals 1) develop my “online presence” whatever that was 2) when the kids napped or slept, write, write and write some more because I love to do it. It is how I process. I basically just copied essays that I had jotted down in a notebook for the girls about their childhood 3) to capture all the cute, funny, quirky moments of motherhood and document even the not so pleasant ones so I could appreciate the good ones and if I could help just one mom feel like she wasn’t alone, I’d be happy.

What happened that year was relocation across country that I never documented other than the original drive to Richmond to check out the city. I was too busy living to write about it. Then, things went to shit and my husband was downsized and we had to move home (blessing in disguise our home still hadn’t sold) in a blizzard.

We were quickly running through our money and afraid of what our future would hold with a toddler and a preschooler. The Big Guy (because my husband is 6’5” in case you didn’t know where the reference came from) took a job in another state because it was the only one he could find doing what he does and he made the sacrifice to work to support us and we all made the sacrifice to be apart 5 days a week. It was the worst 2 years of our lives. In those 2 years is when I really started to write.

You remember when you were in your teens and you were “in love” and there were so many ups and downs and drama and all you wanted to do was write poetry? Yeah, that’s called being inspired by your misery. I was going through a hard time and I had lots to write about. That’s where I found my people, moms who blog. I never understood what a “tribe” was until I found one as an adult. It’s more than a clique, it’s a group of people who support one another through good and bad.

I know bloggers are just regular people. I’m not delusional and don’t think they are actual celebrities but they care enough to get up and interact with the world by sharing their experiences. This meant a lot to me because at the time, I was hours away from any family and alone with kids. I needed someone to talk to, especially since my husband wasn’t there.

When you interact with people on such a personal level, I’m not talking just sharing recipes and diaper war stories, I mean the real stuff like marital issues, fertility issues, raising your child and feeling like a failure issues, feeling ugly and vulnerable and raw, the bonds are real and you see what’s on the inside (well, at least what they allow you to see). I have a tendency to have no filter so what you see is pretty much what you get.

I know that sometimes I am dorky, funny, boring, annoying and sometimes my stories are deep or interesting or shocking, sometimes they are well written and sometimes I am half-asleep or writing through the hardest moments of my life and it’s hard to type through tear filled eyes and ugly cries. Sometimes they are completely irrelevant to you and that’s okay because they are written for my children and me. You see it’s been a long time since I started blogging to become a writer. That has come to fruition. People actually pay me to write. I love my job. I am happy.

My blog is not perfect by any stretch of the imagination and neither am I. My hair is never perfectly coifed and my clothes are occasionally stylish but I am a tired mom who spends the bulk of my time trying to raise happy, interesting children, while maintaining an open and honest relationship with my husband and sometimes, I write on the Internet.

My blog is real and it is flawed, like me. I cuss on my site and sometimes I add too many commas. I am educated and not a hot “mommy mess” who loses her “mommy cool” at the drop of a hat. I do however have my issues, so I can see where the jump to full on emotional train wreck could be an easy one.

I don’t blow smoke up people’s asses nor do I befriend people solely for their social media stats because none of that matters to me. What matters to me is what kind of people they are on the inside and how they treat me. It’s not about who is the coolest or hottest blogger, not for me anyways. I’m not trying to sleep with them. I want someone who can relate to me.

As bloggers, we have a little bit of the real estate expertise from https://www.williampitt.com/search/real-estate-sales/fairfield-ct/. Change can come in all shapes and sizes, a charity campaign to raise funds for clean water, to bring awareness to pediatric cancer, to help someone through a shared difficult situation like a miscarriage or a medical diagnosis that might be hard to face alone. Online communities hold our virtual hands through all of life’s events, if we reach out and want it.

My friends that I have met online are not virtual. They are real people. They have lives, families, jobs, interests and situations outside of the Internet but the Internet is our meeting place.

I wrote this in case you are new here or you forgot who I was. Make no mistake, I tell my truth on my blog and I welcome friendly, intelligent debate. I have a lot of opinions, I know they are not the only ones but I won’t debate you with name-calling and tantrum throwing. I just want to write my blog, share my story and tell my truth.

2014/06/23 4 comments

New Mom Monday Teens

The Secret Life of the American Teenager

by Deborah Cruz 2019/02/25

written by Deborah Cruz

Raising a teen is hard. Being a teen is hard. I know a lot of us parents complain about our teens and how inconvenient their ever-changing moods are. We wonder where our sweet little children have gone and why in his/her place a grouchy, nonverbal awkward almost adult has arrived. Maybe we need to look a little deeper and exercise a little more patience.

Sometimes, I can be overbearing and dismissive. I’m tired and my life is pretty monotonous. I know after 14 years, sometimes I run on autopilot. We get so caught up in our own inner dialogue that we forget that everything our children do is not always just to make our lives harder, even though it may feel like it at times. For example, my girls bicker almost constantly and it’s become something that I’ve begun to take personally because I feel like they do it in spite of my requests for them to stop. It almost feels like a collateral act of defiance. I’m trying to step back and see the whole picture, take into consideration that maybe they’re going through something that I’m missing.

Which brings me to the entire point of this post. Children of all ages who are experiencing anxiety and how they express those feelings. My daughter has been suffering from chronic sinus issues for the last couple of years. This year, it has been particularly bad. She’s already had 5 sinus infections since the beginning of the school year. Per our pediatrician, she is on meds to control her allergies and prevent the subsequent sinus infections that follow any sort of congestion, but that no longer seems to be helping.

READ ALSO: Parents Guide to Teen Slang Words

It’s gotten so bad that she is getting migraines which, if you’ve ever had chronic sinus issues, you know, is debilitating. She’s starting to feel like she’s sick and she’s not getting better. She doesn’t understand and neither do I. We do what we’re supposed to. We go to the doctor. We follow her instructions and still my child is sick. Today, we are seeing a specialist, an allergist, because we have to get to the bottom of this.

We love our pediatrician and I trust doctors. I have close friends and family members who are doctors, so I have no problem with doctors. But when your child isn’t getting better, you have to advocate no matter who it is or whose feelings it might hurt. This is where I am today.

The thing is we’re at a point now where my daughters is in such pain that the thought of being at school with no one to help her sends her into a panic. Her anxiety kicks in and she is practically immobilized. I’m talking, gets to the office at school and goes into flight mode. The other day her sinus infection was so bad and she couldn’t be medicated because of tests, she cried for 3 hours in the nurse’s office before they called me to bring her home.

How can I send her to school when she is so obviously in pain and, on top of that, terrified of not knowing why it won’t go away. Which, I won’t lie, I am getting concerned myself. I’m thinking if this appointment with the specialist doesn’t give us answers, maybe we need an MRI. I won’t say that to my daughter and I can’t lead on that I’m more worried than she thinks I am. As her mom, it’s my job to keep my shit together while handling business on the backend.

I’m trying to stay cool but I get why she is having this anxiety of the unknown. I try to keep her comfortable. I have chronic sinus and allergy issues too. I get migraines. I know how painful all of this is but when I’m sick, I have the luxury of burying myself in bed. When she’s sick, she still has to show up but lately, even when she’s showing up, she’s not really because she’s so preoccupied by the pain.

I guess what I’m saying is that sometimes kids and teens are not jerks just for the sake of being a pain in the butt. Most times, there is something behind it. Whether it be anger, worry, fear or embarrassment. Sometimes even teenagers can’t use their words to tell us how they’re feeling. They are like toddlers in that way.

They say things like, “I’m tired”, “My head hurts”, “My stomach hurts” all very non-specifically and for a parent that can be frustrating because you feel like maybe they are trying to get something over on you. A long time ago, I started going deeper on my questioning (once we rule out that it’s not an actual physical ailment) I ask, “has anything happened at school?”, “Did a friend say something that hurt your feelings?”, “Did a boy say something that made you feel weird?”, “Did a teacher get too close?” “Did anyone make you feel uncomfortable or compromised in any way?” Sometimes, the answers will come out without them having to find the words.

But in this situation, my daughter is actually sick. I’ve been to the pediatrician so many times this year that I feel like I should get frequent flyer miles. I’m also not too sure they don’t have me on some weird mom Munchausen by proxy watch list. It’s embarrassing but every time I take her in, there is actually something wrong with her. So it’s not in either one of our heads. I know how to advocate for my children and I’ll do whatever I need to get them healthy but how do I help them deal with their anxiety?

As a mom, how do you differentiate between your child being legit run of the mill fear of something and having brain chemistry induced anxiety attack about it? One might only need a hug but the other might need a professional. What would you do if your teenage girl was experiencing anxiety while suffering a physical illness?

Update: Allergy tests showed that she is allergic to every Midwestern allergen except cats. We have a dog. The allergens are triggering sinus infections. If your kid keeps getting sinus infections, it might be worth a trip to the allergist. Also, I will write some posts next week to help your kids deal with sinus issues, give you the low down on allergy tests on kids and teens and the symptoms of anxiety in teenagers. Basically, I’ll help you understand the secret life of the American teenager. We’ll all get through this together.

2019/02/25 1 comment

Newer Posts

Older Posts