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Terry England, Georgia, COmparing women to pigs and cows

Terry England ~ Women’s Reproductive Rights are Not the Same as Pigs

by Deborah Cruz 2012/03/26

Terry England; You, Sir, are no friend of the female race.I read Lawmaker Compares Women to Farm Animals To Defend His Abortion Stance on the Curvy Girl Guide last week. This post was the straw that broke the ~~camels~~ pig’s back for the women’s rights issue, for me. What the hell is going on in our country?

Terry England,You are a Beast

This is the jist of the post:

On March 5th, on the Georgia House floor, State Representative, Terry England, commented on a bill that would require women to carry stillborn fetuses to term or until the time their bodies “pass” the fetus on their own. What this means is, if your baby dies inside of you, however far along in development, it would be illegal to have any type of medical procedure (such as a D&C) to remove the contents of your uterus.

In effect, Terry England is saying, Hey lady, you got pregnant. Not my fault you are inept at carrying your baby to term. NOT.MY.PROBLEM. Deal with it! When God says it’s time to pass, it will naturally. If you die? Well, you are only a woman after all.

Terry England Compares women to Pigs

Oh but it gets worse, so much worse….

In a debate over Georgia House Bill 954, which would ban abortions after 20 weeks even if the baby is not expected to live, England recalled the time he had spent with livestock.
“Life gives us many experiences,” he explained. “I’ve had the experience of delivering calves, dead and alive — delivering pigs, dead and alive. … It breaks our hearts to see those animals not make it.” – Raw Story, David Edwards

Did you hear that? My fucking head just exploded!He thinks he’s an obstetrician because he’s delivered livestock. He just compared an expectant human mother to a cow and a pig.

How is that the lawmakers, who are mostly men and have no vagina or uterus, can make these laws regarding women’s reproductive rights and birth control? They don’t know what it’s like to be suddenly faced with an unexpected pregnancy, or forced to consider an abortion due to a medical anomolie. Men have no idea what a transvaginal untrasound feels like to a woman and a man can never know what it feels like to carry a baby in your womb. A man can certainly NEVER understand the pain and mental anguish it is to lose a child and then be forced to carry your stillborn baby in your womb until it passes naturally.

Terry England the difference between women and livestock is that we are not put on this world solely to provide for a man. We are actually people too. We have thoughts and feelings. I am so disgusted with Terry England and so many other politicians who have made it their plight to suppress women’s rights. We are now going backwards. Women are being treated like property. We are being stripped of our fundamental right to the control over our own body. We are being invaded by man. What next, will they pass a law here in the United States that female born babies should just be drowned at birth?

I think the Terry England’s of the world are failing to realize that without any women, the species would die out. Man can not procreate alone.Though, I am sure there is some scientist under contract to one of these good old boy politicians working on just this type of thing, as we speak. I’m sure if some of these politicians had it their way, we women would be nothing more than glorified indentured servants with vaginas. Perhaps, they will take to putting us in shackles and cutting our tongues out so that we can’t speak?

Women of the world, we need to unite. This is your call to action. We need to fight back against this type of legislation; this type of world. This is not the world that I want to raise my daughters in. We need to change the direction that this country is going in regards to women’s rights. We need to get more women into government so we at least have a fair chance. What would Susan B. Anthony do? You can bet that she would be all up in legislation, fighting for your rights to reproduce…or not. She’d fight the Terry England’s of the world, tooth and nail.

What do you think of Terry England and his comparison of women to livestock?

Terry England, I would call you the pig but that’s a terrible insult to the animal

2012/03/26 12 comments

Throat Punch Thursday

Insurance Scam has Doctors Performing Unnecessary Hysterectomies on Poor Women

by Deborah Cruz 2012/07/19

written by Deborah Cruz

Unneeded Hysterectomies Change a Woman’s Life forever

When have unneeded hysterectomies being performed ever been moral? When did the world become so full of morally bankrupt men? If you have ever had a hair up your ass about women’s reproductive rights in the world, this is the time to really get mad. We need to get full on pissed off and say no more. We are women not animals or property, we don’t belong to men. Government has no business getting between our legs. For once and for all, stay out of our vaginas!

In India, less than respectable, doctors are performing illegal and unneeded hysterectomies on the poor women of India. I don’t mean “poor” as those poor women, I mean “poor” as in financially downtrodden. I mean poor as in they don’t have the means to refuse any medical treatment offered to them by a doctor, even if the solution to his made up problem is a complete removal of their uterus and ovaries. Who are these animals to do this to women? Why are they performing unneeded hysterectomies like they are going out of style, shirking their Hippocratic oath and removing the very essence of what makes most of us feel like women? For money!

Yes, India, the country who has already received multiple throat punches from me for aborting and killing their female babies simply due to the fact that they have vaginas versus a penis. The same country who has ultrasounds strategically placed on every corner so that perspective parents can get a refund if their unborn child has not won the Indian genetics lottery which means they are a boy. The same country who has men who still think it’s okay to mutilate the genitalia of it’s women and shackle them into chastity belts. Now, the doctors are taking it upon themselves to remove the women of rural India’s wombs by giving them completely unneeded hysterectomies because the hospital can claim the hysterectomies under a national insurance scheme. Even going so far to remove the ovaries which increases the risk for early onset of osteoporosis.

Doctors in the Indian state of Chhattisgarh performed hysterectomies on poor village women without a valid medical reason in order to claim money from a national insurance scheme, the state’s health minister said on Wednesday.
Under the program launched in 2008, doctors can claim up to 30,000 rupees ($540) to treat poor families, providing a safety net to help pay for expensive hospital surgeries. But critics say the program was exploited by unscrupulous doctors.
“The women were deliberately ill-advised by doctors who removed their uterus to get money,” Amar Agrawal, Chhattisgarh’s health minister told Reuters.
“As per my information the doctors have so far managed to make roughly 2 crore (10 million) rupees ($360,000) in recent months by removing uteruses without any valid medical reasons.”
The state government examined 1,800 hysterectomies performed in the impoverished state as part of an investigation into the alleged scam. Many of the operations were suspected to have been performed illegally, government sources told Reuters.

Does India hate it’s women? Or is this a growing trend in the world, where men hate the female population, or at the very least have no respect for women as being human? The world is going backwards my friends. Don’t think this just happens in third world countries someplace across the world. Make no mistake, it happens right here in the United States as well. Maybe no unneeded hysterectomies are being performed as an insurance scheme, but women are under attack. Our reproductive rights are being stripped away, piece by piece and our human worth has been compared to animals. We are in a day and time in history, when women are having the male agenda shoved down our throats and thrust into our vaginas.I am sad and sickened by the state of the world and women’s rights. We need to stand up and stop allowing ourselves to be abused by the male governing powers. We need to fight back and say no more.

India’s Unneeded Hysterectomies violates Women’s Rights

Today it’s India, performing unneeded hysterectomies, purposely aborting female babies and abandoning of killing those who survive birth. Tomorrow, it’s here…women being compared to swine, government sticking their nose into our vaginal business; how we should reproduce, when we should reproduce, if we should reproduce. This is between a couple and God. Government has no fucking business in our reproductive rights. Give women our full human rights first and then we can talk about government having any input on reproductive rights.

Throat Punch to the unscrupulous doctors in India who are performing these unneeded hysterectomies for money. May their license be stripped and may they be castrated by the women whom they have reproducibly hobbled for the rest of their life.May you be put in jail and may all of your reproductive tools be removed while you sleep, unsuspectingly. May you know the pain of having no control over the choices made on your behalf.

Just because a woman is poor financially does not give any man the right to take away her choice to have children and become a mother or determine when, why or how she has the children. Men, it’s not your fucking business. We are not children, you have no right to make choices on our behalf. You have no right to punish us because you feel that our choices don’t live up to your expectations. A woman’s reproductive parts are something that we hold as dear to who we are as men do their reproductive parts. Boo on you for thinking you know what is better for women than we do for ourselves. You have no right to end abortion or give unneeded hysterectomies for money.

Unneeded Hysterectomies is a Violation of Human Rights

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2012/07/19 3 comments

30 to Life Food Health

Congratulations! You’re not Pausal…Peri or otherwise

by Deborah Cruz 2022/02/28

written by Deborah Cruz

Estimated reading time: 10 minutes

Funny story, a few weeks ago, I started getting dizzy while driving. Scared the sh*t out of me…Okay, not so funny. Anyways, went to the doctor and surprise (no surprise I’ve battled eustachian ear issues my entire life) and I had not only an acute sinus infection (no surprise there either…chronic sinusitis is my life) but also had an inordinate amount of fluid in my ears (Duh, I could feel it sloshing around in there teetering between itching and hurting for almost 2 months…again nothing new). But the getting dizzy while driving my kids, was new and I did not like it. Is this perimenopause, menopause, cancer, dementia or low blood sugar?

Needless to say, that sparked a series of way overdue anxiety attacks. I mean come on, I’ve kept my shit together pretty well these past couple of pandemic years but some things got to give. If we’re being really honest, and if you know me you know that I am, my first thought at the dizziness which I’ve never experienced in this way (in waves) was a brain tumor ( long story short, I’m chronically afraid that God is going to use my big brain and big boobs against me and in the end they will take me out #pandemictriggeredhypochondriac). My doctor assured me, “Nope, Debi your heart, lungs and everything else is fine but your ears are a mess.”

So I went on a high dose of antibiotics with a side of Diflucan (because what would an ear infection be without a side of a yeast infection to add insult to injury? I mean if you don’t get an itchy vagina to go along with your sinus pressure and vertigo, did it even happen?) and something for the anxiety that the dizziness triggered (what if I blackout while driving my kids and we all die?) but since I have high blood pressure (controlled but still diagnosed) that’s all I got…not a damn thing to dry up all that fluid stuck in my head.

Disclosure: Some of the products mentioned in this post were sent to me for review purposes. All opinions and gynecological misadventures are all my own.

Fast forward to the week I was finishing up my antibiotics and I woke up in the middle of the night, not once, not twice but three times soaked from my shoulders up in the middle of a full-on panic attack. Sorry to say, I’ve battled my fair share of demons in my life ( #fullymanicteensandtwenties) and I am not about that in my head life. It’s a dark and scary place and I’d prefer not to live there for very long. So, I did what any sane person would do, I called my doctor and my gynecologist because eureka…this bitch is almost 50 and maybe it’s time to admit reproductive defeat. Maybe I’m (gulp) perimenopausal or even menopausal. I mean, it could happen.

Ever since I had my hysterectomy in 2018 and have been living that 1 ovary life, I’m basically waiting to become reproductively challenged. I know this. Every day of estrogen is a gift. Shit, my baby sister went through menopause a few months after having her baby a couple of years ago and didn’t even know it ( God really said…you are done) so, me, being 5 years older, it’s just a matter of time.

Let me share some knowledge with you, I’ve always been an alpha ( if you know you know) if you got anywhere in my orbit, I would pull you onto my cycle ( ask my sisters and my daughters). I knew exactly when I ovulated ( day 14) and menstruated ( day 28), I could literally feel it. I haven’t had a period in almost 4 years because I don’t have a uterus but every month, I still get PMS and every other month, I can feel my ovulation. I know when my girls get their periods because I get their bloating and munchies.

However, my husband did good choosing in that crucial left ovary, right ovary moment ( it was decided after I was under because someone forgot to ask me before) because this girl, she’s a boss. She will not go quietly into that good reproductive night. Girlfriend is keeping us in the game but alas, those hot flash/cold sweats and anxiety, what else could it be. It must be the reproductive grim reaper coming for me.

I made an appointment with my gynecologist and left it to God. I resigned myself to the fact that I’m at the very least perimenopausal if not menopausal and it was time to get myself some estrogen, progesterone, supplement, patch or black cohosh (only not black cohosh because it would surely make this bipolar 1 manic woman full-on manic.periodt. and nobody wants that.)

Yesterday, I went to see Nina ( that’s my gynecologist, we’re on a first-name basis because we’ve been together over a decade and been through cancer scares, a miscarriage, a D& E, another surprise in office ( no anesthesia) D&C when she removed multiple cups of blood from my uterus after my fibroids literally tried to kill me and ultimately a hysterectomy and, I thought to myself, now….the death of my femininity aka the pause. But after an offer of Paxil ( no thank you…manic people shouldn’t take anti-depressants if they can avoid it) then estrogen, we resigned ourselves to the fact that our perimenopause or menopause journey together had begun but first, let’s make sure ( because I need proof for everything…how can I fix it if I don’t know what’s broken?) and we did a blood draw to get my hormone levels.

Guess what? Congratulations, I’m not perimenopausal or menopausal or any other pausal. I’m 100% normal hormone levels. To say I was surprised is an understatement. To say I was relieved is more like it because even though I know I am knocking on reproductive invisibility’s door, I’m not ready. Not really. The same way I wasn’t ready for my first period, my last period or any of my pregnancies because even though you read all about it and plan for it, you can never be ready but it still happens.

I feel like maybe this is the universe’s way of giving me a 5-minute warning, Debi, get your health in order because soon, it won’t be a false alarm and you need to be prepared so drink your milk, workout, eat more healthily, get that weight in check, moisturize, drink your water, play soduku and, for the love of all that is holy, make peace with your anxiety because one day those hot flashes and triggered panic attacks are going to be triggered by hormones (just like your migraines and hypomania used to be). I’ve never been so excited to just be “normal” whatever that means.

Here’s a list of some of the things I’ve been doing to prioritize me.

I’ve recently tried some new Reset 360 products to help increase my protein and reduce my carbohydrate intake. I’m a diabetic but I think it’s a pretty good idea for everyone to keep an eye on what’s going in their body.

Plant-based cookies

The Decadent Dark Chocolate Chip Cookie is a soft-baked plant protein cookie that tastes delicious and delivers healthy plant protein.

Bite fuel Power Bites

Double the chocolate, double the gains! These little guys are packed with so much chocolate that if you leave them in your milk, you will have chocolate milk after 5 minutes. They are soft, chewy, and really pack a chocolatey punch and each bag contains 18 gm of protein,

S uper greens dietary drink

They’re called Super Greens because they are mega packed with superfoods like wheatgrass, spirulina, kale, spinach, plus 6 more! It makes getting the right amount of veggies easy. With Super Greens you can make healthy eating easy without struggling to eat pounds of vegetables each day.

All-in-one-chocolate shake

A plant-based protein shake that may help support overall health, ideal weight, & digestive strength. Creamy, delicious flavor that blends smoothly, and provides exceptional nutrition.

Superpower bars

Protein-packed, dark chocolate goodness with only 2 grams of sugar- sounds like a dream come true. With all organic ingredients and 10 grams of plant protein, this bar is the perfect anytime snack. 6g of dietary fiber in every bar keeps you satisfied for hours without weighing you down. keep these bars nearby during break times for a pick me up when there’s no time for a full meal.

I’ve also been cutting out animal byproducts as much as possible. I am not currently a full-time vegetarian but I do prefer vegetarian meals over meat options and it’s better for my health to choose leaner and cleaner foods. I love to bake so I’ve been swapping out regular flour, dairy

Organic Cacao Powder

LESS FAT and FEWER CALORIES: Chocolate is a staple in most households, but it can make people feel guilty because it is often associated with candy and sugary treats. Our Organic Cacao Powder provides you with a more nutritious alternative to regular chocolate. Our chocolate has the same great flavor as ordinary cocoa with the added benefits of organic cacao and less guilt.

Oatsome milk

NON-DAIRY MILK: Oatsome delivers a mild, creamy flavor—without dairy, nuts, added sugar, or any artificial ingredients. Now you can enjoy milk without discomfort from lactose or other components.

Coconut Palm Sugar

REFINED SUGAR ALTERNATIVE: Organic Coconut Sugar makes an excellent 1 to 1 ratio (spoon-for-spoon) replacement to refined white sugar. That means it’s easy to switch out white sugar or artificial sweeteners for BetterBody Foods Organic Coconut Sugar in simple meals and gourmet recipes. The possibilities are endless.

LOW ON THE GLYCEMIC INDEX: BetterBody Foods’ Organic Coconut Sugar is naturally low on the glycemic index. This means that it doesn’t raise your blood sugar as quickly as refined sugars do, so you can have the sweetness of sugar in naturally sweet coconut sugar without the associated insulin spike.

PB fit peanut butter powder

POWDERED PEANUT BUTTER: All-natural PBfit has 87% less fat and almost 1/3 the calories of regular peanut butter. Made from roasted and powdered peanuts, it has real peanut flavor without the high fat.
PROTEIN POWER: With 8 g of protein in one serving of natural PBfit, you’ll get a boost of protein right before your workout. Add it to your morning shake or smoothie for a creamy peanut butter taste.

BBF oat Flour blend

This whole-grain, organic oat flour makes a great alternative to traditional flour for anyone with sensitivities to gluten or anyone looking to improve their diet. HEART-HEALTHY OPTION: Low in both saturated fat and cholesterol, oat flour is a healthy alternative to traditional wheat flour and also contains soluble fiber (1.2 g per serving).

Bowmar Butter

High protein cashew spreads. Flavors include peanut butter pretzel, cake pop, sugar cookie and buckeye!

Cashew Spread ( Cookie Butter)

High protein peanut, almond or cashew nut spread is a great way to add more protein into your diet.

These spreads all have 10g of whey protein and are a great alternative to other butters and spreads that are loaded with sugar and artificial sweeteners. available in cashew, almond, and peanut butter.

I’ve also started drinking my water, getting enough sleep, exercising, upping my moisturizer game and taking care of myself, mentally and physically. Maybe I narrowly escaped the pause for now but its coming for me ( and you too) so why not start preparing now?

And if you’re wondering about the mystery root of my hot flashes and panic attacks and what cured it? ½ a dose of Sudaphed 2 times a day, it was all caused by the fluid in my ears. It’s crazy what your body can do to signal that your check engine light is on.

What are you doing to prepare for the next phase of womanhood? Have you already entered perimenopause of menopause? If so, what is one piece of advice you’d give to those following close behind?

2022/02/28 0 comments

rape, women's reproductive rights, abortion, women's rights, Todd Akin, Mitt Romney, Paul Ryan

Politics Throat Punch Thursday

Will All the Politicians Kindly Back the Eff out of My Uterus?

by Deborah Cruz 2012/08/23

written by Deborah Cruz

What constitutes a rape? Apparently, some politicians are confused about this term.

During an interview the congressman and U.S. Senate candidate, Todd Akin, was asked whether abortion should be allowed in the case of rape.
Akin’s response was that it was his understanding from doctors that it’s rare for someone to become pregnant from rape. He said, “The female body has ways to try and shut that whole thing down.”
He went on to say that punishment should be on the rapist and not the child.

How about the punishment be on the rapist and NOT on the victim of his rape? How about that Mr. Akin?

‘But I believe deeply in the protection of all life and I do not believe that harming another innocent victim is the right course of action.’

“Governor Romney and Congressman Ryan disagree with Mr. Akin’s statement,” the campaign said. “A Romney-Ryan administration would not oppose abortion in instances of rape.”

You know what I hear? Blah, blah, blah let’s backpedal ourselves away from this one as fast as we can. Are we changing our way of thinking? Hell no! Are we stupid enough to say we support this now? Hell no! We’ll put those bitches in their place after we are elected.

What gives a politician the right to pass judgment and decide when a woman can or cannot get an abortion? It’s legal. We don’t need your fucking permission. Good for you that you don’t openly oppose it but it’s not your business to oppose. I think it’s ridiculous that a bunch of old, fat, white men get the power to determine what all the women of the country get to do with their bodies.

When did it become government’s business to differentiate whether or not a rape is “legitimate” or not? “Forcible” or not? What the fuck does that even mean? Rape is rape, you asshole.

The definition of rape:

A criminal offense defined in most states as forcible sexual relations with a person against that person’s will.

That means someone had sex with a woman (I know it happens to men too but for the sake of this argument, I am going to refer to the victim as a woman) and she didn’t consent. She could have screamed bloody murder and yelled no as loud as her voice would allow. She could have fought and scratched and gouged his eyes out. Or she could have been on a date with a cute boy that she liked and said no but her date decided to go on any ways. She could be married and told her drunk husband no and he forcibly had sex with her. She could have been at a frat party for the first time, drank too much and been left behind by her friends, passed out and been taken advantage of. Or she could have been with her boyfriend of 5 years and said she didn’t want to have sex and he tied her up and did it anyways. She could have been in her home, minding her own business when an intruder broke in, grabbed her walking up the stairs, walking to the university library or on her way to class and forcibly had sexual relations with her. She could be a little girl who has a perverted uncle. If a man forces a woman to have sex against her will…that is rape.

Rape is not love. Rape is not sex. Rape is not something that she asked for. Rape is not something that she deserves. Rape is a weak person doing an angry thing to hurt an innocent person. I don’t give a shit if she was dancing on tables, walking around with her vagina hanging out of the bottom of her skirt, her breasts exposed and she was flirting with you. If we say no, it means no and if you have sex with us anyways, you have just committed rape.

Apparently, the male politicians in this country have taken it upon themselves to declare war on women’s reproductive rights.

Do they really believe that women can will their bodies to not be pregnant or be pregnant? What are we sorcerers? This isn’t a movie. Take a damn biology class boys. If that were a true statement, then we would not have so many women who desperately want children but can’t have them and we certainly wouldn’t have the multitudes of women who are destroyed by the loss of their babies. But apparently if it’s a “Legitimate” rape our body knows to shut it down. Fuck you Mr. Akin!

I know Romney and Ryan are distancing themselves from Akin but the problem is that his opinion is not the minority in the Republican house. He just happens to be the moron who said it out loud in an interview. The government, democrat and republicans alike, have made it their mission to tell us women what we can and cannot do with our bodies.

Now, they are going so far to try to tell women whether or not the rape they survived was actually rape at all.

Need I remind you of the trans-vaginal ultrasounds in the case of all abortions, Georgia State Representative Terry England comparing women to farm animals and trying to pass legislation that is a baby dies in utero women should have to carry it to term or let it pass on its own, NYC’s Mayor Bloomberg mandating that women get a “talking to” before they can choose formula over breastfeeding because obviously we need the guidance of a man to teach us what is best for us.

Let me tell you what, I don’t even go to a male gynecologist because I believe that unless your legs have been in those cold stirrups and you’ve had the experience of a speculum being shoved uncomfortably into your cervix then you have no idea what that feels like. I don’t care how many damn books you’ve read about giving birth or how many babies you’ve delivered, if you have not pushed a 15-inch head from your uterus through the birth canal and out of your vagina then you don’t know what it feels like. Stop pretending you do. I don’t know what it feels like to be kicked in the balls and I don’t pretend to. I would never pass legislation that required men to suck it up, rub some dirt on it and carry on. Why? Because I don’t know what the fuck I’m talking about because I don’t have a penis and balls.

It seems the United States government is making it’s disdain for abortions and those women who get them, for whatever reason, very clear. I am in no way pro-abortion. I could never get one myself, especially since having children but I am pro-choice. Every woman has the right to choose what is best for her and her body. We are not animals. We are not children. We don’t need your advice. We don’t need your punishment and we certainly do not need your permission.

Where does this stop? Today it’s abortions in the case of rape, next they will take D & C’s and D & E’s off the table. These are medically necessary extractions of fetal tissue from women who have lost their pregnancies but what’s to stop some random male politician who isn’t a doctor from deeming it unethical or immoral? Then what happens? Then women start dying in droves because contrary to Akin we can not dictate what our uterus will do with a pregnancy.

Women, this is your call to action. We have to vote to preserve our rights over our own bodies. We deserve the right to choose what happens with our own reproduction. Stand up and vote in November. Get up early before you take the kids to school. Do it while they are there. Do it on your lunch hour. Hire a babysitter. Do whatever you need to but vote because the alternative is to give your reproductive rights over to the Akin’s of the world. To not vote is to allow rape to be quantified.

Rape is Rape

Also, I am guest posting at Scary Mommy today and would love if you would go check out Some Things Change Your Forever. You will understand why women’s reproductive rights are so very close to my heart.
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2012/08/23 21 comments

Texas 6-week Abortion Ban is Misogyny Disguised a Pro-Life, pro choice

Women's Issues

Texas 6-week Abortion Ban is Misogyny Disguised as Pro-Life

by Deborah Cruz 2021/10/06

written by Deborah Cruz

Estimated reading time: 6 minutes

When some people think of Texas 6-week abortion ban, the first thing they think of is the “baby”. They are pro-life for the unborn fetus. They pat themselves on the back for advocating for an unborn child. But who cares about the mother who is carrying that child? Texas, a Republican state that has always tried to keep a stronghold on women’s uteruses, wants to make its own rules; they want to vilify women who choose not to carry their pregnancy to term and the doctors who provide those services safely. They want to criminalize a woman’s right to reproductive autonomy. Texas wants to punish women who dare to think, feel and live for themselves without a man’s permission. As someone born with a uterus, I’d like to say fuck you Texas, with no KY and right up your bum.

Texas’ 6-week abortion ban is misogyny disguised as pro-life. Full stop.

I got my first period when I was 12 years old, the summer before 8th grade. I knew next to nothing about what was happening to me. There I was, trapped in a bathroom stall at McDonald’s, like Carrie White, after a long day playing at the park without any frenemies to throw me, a much-needed, pad. That was the beginning of my journey into womanhood. It was a little traumatic to say the least and has been every day since. But this was just the teaser trailer of what it’s like to have a uterus.

In the beginning, my period was always erratic. I never knew when she was coming or going. Optimistically and quite frankly ridiculously , I kept right on wearing white pants, shorts and skirts. I was a daredevil. I had no older sister to guide me and my mom told me as little as possible about menstruation, reproductive health and sex. I’m not that kind of mom.

While in the meantime, my dad made it very clear that virginity was the only option, whether it rocked or not. Good Catholic girls don’t get pregnant and have babies out of wedlock (that’s what blow jobs, hand jobs and butt sex are for, haven’t you heard? Don’t clutch your pearls at me, you know it’s true. j/k not really, ask your kids if you don’t believe me)

Those that do not agree that virginity rocks, mysteriously fall down steps. As I didn’t particularly want to take my chances with the steps, there was nothing any guy could say to get me to have sex in my teens.

By the time I was in high school, fending off boys trying to dry hump me felt like a full-time job. But still, I maintained my blessed virgin status because, again, those fucking stairs. Of course, as all “good Catholic girls” know, sexuality is full of loopholes and there is no one better at finding those son of a bitches than a good girl trying to maintain a serious relationship while not compromising her morals and the stair abortion she is sure to find herself receiving should she fall off the virginity wagon.

Still, saying no and keeping your hymen intact is hard work and not always well received by the opposite sex. You know since men think they are entitled to sexual gratification by all women at all times. It’s no wonder when you consider how the government has one hand in our uterus and the other in our pockets at all times.

It wasn’t until college that I actually had consensual sex with someone I loved for the first time. Well, unless you count being on the receiving end of oral as sex. I’m still not sure where I stand on that. I told my girls if anything is penetrating the other body whether it be tongue, toy, penis or fingers…I think you probably had sex but that definition could be different for everybody. Your body, your choice. It can’t really be all about the hymen. I broke that when I was only 8 years old in the bathtub sliding accident of ‘81. Maybe sex should only count when we say it does. Give us back our power.

Why should some asshole who raped, molested, browbeat or begged us into sex get to choose? But that’s the way it’s always been, right? Some men feel entitled and empowered enough to relentlessly approach women for sex via grabbing, pushing, pulling, begging, drugging and forcing without consent. When we say no, we are called teases and sluts. When we say yes too often or too early, we are called easy or whores.

Why is it that in this world, men are free to take as much as they want but we are not allowed to give as freely or as often as we might like. Most importantly, we are not allowed to say no because we should feel flattered by their catcalls and groping but we can’t say yes too fast either, because who wants it if it isn’t a challenge? Where is our choice? Once again, the Texas government is trying to say we should not only lose control over our own reproductive rights but we should be punished for thinking we have equal sexual rights to men. This is America.

If you think that it’s ok to tell women what they can and can’t do with their bodies, maybe you should go get surgery and get your own vagina and then handle it as you’d like. As for me, my body is only my business. What I do or don’t do with it, who I do or don’t do it with, how fast, or slow or many times I do with it…not your fucking business. We girls and women are not put on this planet to just make babies and service men. We are actually, whole human beings who don’t need anyone else’s approval to exist, nor do we need guidance and certainly not rules, regulations and restrictions for how to handle our own bodies. We wrote the owner’s manual. The audacity that you must have to mansplain women things to women is flabbergasting.

6-week abortion ban makes pro choice impossible

Of all the targets of Texas’ hatred, and they sure do hate and discriminate against a wide array of people ( Blacks, Latinos, Indigenous people, Haitians, members of the LGBTQ, people who believe in science, the Holocaust, a man on the moon, Big Bang theory, evolution, dinosaurs, climate change, CoVid and those who get vaccinated and wear masks) people with uteruses have always been at the top of their hit list.

So if you believe that human beings are capable of free thought and intelligence, how could you support a government that seeks to ban and control women’s basic human right to live freely and of her own choice? Even if you don’t approve of abortion for your own personal choice, what right do any of us have to decide what is best for another human being? What makes our morality superior to anyone else’s? Why can’t we live and let other’s live; in the end, their body, their choice.

Update: A federal court has temporarily blocked Texas’ 6-week abortion ban from continuing to wreak havoc on the lives of people who need abortion care.

2021/10/06 0 comments

Throat Punch Thursday Women's Issues

The Handmaid’s Tale is Real Just Ask the Women of Alabama

by Deborah Cruz 2019/05/16

written by Deborah Cruz

Alabama state Republican Governor Kay Ivey on Wednesday signed into law a controversial abortion bill that would punish doctors who perform abortions with life in prison. Sound familiar? Sounds like something right out of the Handmaid’s Tale if you ask me.

“Today, I signed into law the Alabama Human Life Protection Act, a bill that was approved by overwhelming majorities in both chambers of the Legislature,” said Ivey.
The Alabama Senate passed the bill 25-6 late Tuesday night. The law only allows exceptions “to avoid a serious health risk to the unborn child’s mother,” for ectopic pregnancy and if the “unborn child has a lethal anomaly.” Democrats re-introduced an amendment to exempt rape and incest victims, but the motion failed on an 11-21 vote.
Ivey noted in her statement that the new law may be unenforceable due to the Supreme Court’s Roe v. Wade decision that legalized abortion in all 50 states. But, the new law was passed with the aim of challenging that decision, Ivey said.

I love the United States. It is a country born out of asylum. My mother’s ancestors fled here seeking religious freedom. Her other ancestors were already here; our great nation’s original citizens, Native American.

But that is not where my love ends, it’s the country the provided my father a place to come to make a better life; to rise above his circumstances. This is the same country that made it possible for my mother and father to meet and have 6 first generation Mexican-Americans. This is a country based on freedom and built on opportunity. We live in the land of the free and the home of the brave. But do we? Do we have the basic human right of choice and domain over our own bodies?

It’s a beautiful dream. A nation built of people with arms open to welcome their fellow human beings seeking that same freedom, escaping persecution in their own nation, willing to leave behind all they know in search of something better for their children. What a beautiful dream it is. Only that’s all it is. The reality is opportunities are boundless if you can check all the boxes to meet the criteria.

READ ALSO: My Father the Immigrant

It’s not about open arms to help anyone. It’s about a master race, defaming anyone else who would dare to pursue that American dream. We grab them at our borders and punish them for even trying to take refuge in our nation’s bosom. For some reason, we don’t believe they should be afforded the same chance at freedom as our own ancestors were given.

But should we be surprised? For centuries now, we have withheld those rights from American citizens even born in this country. Those with the misfortune of being born anything other than Caucasian male, those citizens born female and even those who dare not to be Christian. I’m a Latina daughter of an immigrant, so I’m twice on the outside.

My life has consisted of straddling a very fine line of trying to blend in and not be seen and standing tall and speaking up for those of us who cannot do so for themselves. I’ve been speaking out and standing up a lot more than I used to need to.

Women and minorities have always been treated less than. In fact, misogyny, racism and bigotry is something we had all developed an acceptable threshold for. We knew it was wrong and we hated it but, it was better than it used to be. Black people are no longer sold into slavery and women can own property and vote. This is all de jure, not always de facto.

Women are still treated like second class citizens with our government almost always with one hand in our uterus and well, black people may not be chained any longer but there is an epidemic of black men being shot dead in the street for no reason at all other than being born black. And apparently, all Mexicans are criminals. Our crime? Being brown?

We got the vote and then we got reproductive rights. Well, we weren’t given anything. We fought long and hard to be treated equal but it never really took so we live this emboldened half-life where we are brave and strong but only as much as society allows us to be. That was as good as it got for us.

We almost had a female president. Almost. Now, we are in danger of losing our God-given human rights because the misogynists feel it’s more important to control our reproductive rights and enslave our sexuality than to have a president who misused her email privileges. Moms all over the United States are bulk buying Plan B so that they can ensure that their daughters have a choice to make when the time comes in 5/10/15 years. This is our America. We are going backward. Which begs the question, whose America is this? If it’s not mine or yours or hers, whose is it?

I feel like there is a cleansing being put in place by our administration. I expect a purge and my smallpox blanket in the mail any day now. All I want for my children is what my dad wanted for his, what so many immigrants who built this country wanted… a land of opportunity. A haven in a world of shit. A place where hard work is rewarded. A place where good people do good things and everyone is treated as a human being. A place where human respect, dignity and freedom are givens. A country where equality isn’t something that has to be fought for but is given because what makes one human life more valuable than another human being’s life?

I want my daughters to be treated as human beings and not inanimate objects. Women are more than what lies between their legs and no one else has the right to control what we do with our bodies. I never quite understand where men get off trying to tell us what we can do with our bodies and what we can and can’t do.

Women are goddesses. Without us, there would be no men. We create the world you live in. We are not weak. We are stronger than anyone has ever given us credit for. We grow and deliver children and it’s hard. Harder than anything any man has ever done. Who is anyone to tell us what we can and can’t do? Without us, there would be no you.

Stay woke ladies, the Handmaid’s tale is not just some dystopian novel.

It is fast becoming our reality. We need to stand up against the Kay Ivey s of the world before they destroy the country we love so much. Also, can I just say how disgusted I am that a woman would sign this bill?

2019/05/16 0 comments

News Politics

United We Resist

by Deborah Cruz 2017/01/30

written by Deborah Cruz

The only option is to resist.

I have, literally, been trying to write this post since the day after the inauguration of Donald Trump but I can’t form my thoughts into coherent words because every day there is some new mind boggling executive order being passed down. What I do know is that we have to resist. We the people have to resist.We cannot go gently into that good night. The man is on the fast track to being a dictator the likes of Hitler, Pinochet, and Castro.

My mind has been having a hard time keeping up with everything going on during this first week of Trump’s presidency.My heart is heavy but my mind says resist. Resist the urge to lay down and curl up into the fetal position. Resist the natural response to drown in my own tears. Resist the wrong that is being inflicted. Stand up. Fight. Now. Use your voice.

I feel like we are all patiently awaiting the purge. Those who are complacent are part of the problem. Quietly disagreeing is no longer an option. We’ve gone way beyond that point. You must be prepared to stand up and speak out. You must be prepared to fight because your life is at stake. Your basic human rights are in jeopardy. This man is turning the United States into a sinking ship and we are all being held hostage aboard the S.S. Hate.

I am a woman. I am a Latina. I am the daughter of an immigrant. I am the mother of a new generation of Latinas. I do not have the option of being quiet and not fighting. I choose action, for my father, for my children, for myself and for you!

Women, United we Stand and Divided we Fall.

Ladies, what are you doing? We’re fighting with each other over who should march and who shouldn’t. And while we’re not paying attention, the government is slowly putting its hands on our uterus while Trump is single-handedly stripping us of our basic human rights. If you are a woman and this doesn’t scare you, you might want to get a dictionary and Google Women’s rights.

NoBanNoWall, resist, Trump, women's rights, censorship, muslim ban, deportation

Resist the urge to turn on one another. This is the time for unification, not separation.

Marching was not just about the right to choose. It’s about the government telling women what to do with their bodies. How we reproduce. When we reproduce. How we feed our babies. How we deal with the loss of our babies. The punishment for not carrying a pregnancy to term for several reasons, including rape, incest, medical reasons and yes, even choice. It’s about men having domain over our bodies when we don’t give consent and even when we say no. It’s about women being treated like livestock and not humans. It’s about every single human being born with a vagina and a uterus.

Ladies, our daughters are watching.

NoBanNoWall, resist, Trump, women's rights, censorship, muslim ban, deportation

Photo via Instagram @LatinasUnited

Last week’s March was an amazing show of solidarity in a time of turmoil. The American women came out in powerhouse droves to stand up for their rights as human beings and their reproductive rights. Women across the world put everyone on notice that we are no longer going to stand silently by as the patriarchy treats us like second class citizens.

I’m still having a hard time understanding why our reproductive rights are a point of discussion at all. Why is it anyone’s business what we do with our bodies? How does my choice to do what I want with my body fall under government jurisdiction?

If men can justify this behavior and the right to have dominion over women’s bodies, why can’t we women make federal law on how men use their reproductive systems? What if we banned all the Viagra, imposed vasectomies on any man we saw unfit to reproduce and, just for shits and giggles, give every man a good lecturing about how he should not be masturbating because it is fornicating and that is a sin under God’s law? What if we made touching your balls without permission a sin punishable by jail time, just because?

You know what’s even more disgusting than men having their hands metaphorically in our uteruses, controlling how we use our own bodies? Women who mock the feminists, the marchers and the women fighting for equal rights for women. The ladies who stand on the sidelines and support a man who categorically believes you are a second class citizen.

You ladies are self-loathing pieces of shit and I wish there was a way that you could sign a petition to show your lack of support for women’s rights so that when we do get our rights fully and unequivocally, you can have yours taken away. Your body, your choice. You don’t want them. Hand them over. But, I’m not going to fight against you, my sisters, because I will fight for you and whether you know it or not, you deserve to be treated and paid and recognized as a full human.

I will resist my urge to abandon and mock you.

We have to stop fighting each other because our daughters are not equal to our sons, not in the eyes of the law. Not in pay. We are not the same as men. We are not equal. Sit with that for a moment, we.are.not.equal. Not under our government. We are second class, at best. Is that what you want for your daughters?

Equal rights for others does not mean less rights for you, It’s not pie.

Censorship of the United States

We are being censored to our death. Since before the election, people who have defended their choice to vote for Trump have always prefaced it with,

“I don’t think he is actually as racist/anti-woman/homophobic/xenophobic/anti-disabled/anti-poor as he pretends to be.”

Apparently, none of these people have ever heard of the saying, “when someone shows you who they are, believe them.” Actions speak louder than words and your vote said everything.

Now, we live in a world of censorship where randomly shutting down U.S. government social media accounts that tell a truth that contradict the alternative facts, ignoring the press when they ask hard questions, shutting the press out and eliminating the transparency of the presidency, “alternative facts” and straight up lies are all acceptable behavior by our leader.

We are beginning to get only the news Trump wants us to have. Where was the coverage of the protests the night before the inauguration? The coverage of the women marchers and the #NoBanNoWall protestors? Trump even brings along his own people to applaud when he gives these unbelievable speeches to fool us into thinking anything he says is worthy of applause. It’s a tactic used to deceive us into believing we are misunderstanding because surely there would not be applauding for something so outlandish as the complete deconstruction of our government.

The man is playing the shell game with the American people, in one hand he is signing outlandish orders and while we are protesting he is quietly slipping Bannon, a known white supremacist, into his cabinet. The man is filling his cabinet, one-by-one, with less and less qualified people.

Trump is turning the United States into a sinking ship that he nor none of his cabinet know how to drive and all the American people are stuck along for the ride. His entire cabinet is made up of billionaires who are not qualified for their positions and who are so out of touch with the average American that it is ridiculous to expect them to be able to relate. Pay attention people, this is your life we are talking about here.

Resist like your life depends on it because it probably does.

We’re not paying for the fucking wall.

A few years ago, when I had my miscarriage, I got a bill for a few thousand dollars to pay for what the hospital referred to as a “Missed abortion.” To say I was insulted and hurt would be the understatement of the year. It’s like someone murdering you and you going to jail. The miscarriage happened to me. It was bad enough that I had to pay for it like it was a new bag or I got new a new nose or something but then to call it a “missed abortion” that cut like a knife. That’s about how the Mexicans feel about paying for a wall to keep them out. Are you kidding me? No, they’re not paying for a wall that so clearly puts them on the receiving end of the biggest insult the U.S. government could issue against an ally.

My dad is an immigrant who has papers to legally be here. He’s lived here for almost 50 years. That’s longer than he lived in his native Mexico. He is now retired and currently in Mexico, as he goes there for the winter months. I don’t even know if he will be able to come back, at the rate Trump is throwing people out. What if his papers get revoked? This is a very real and legitimate concern of mine.

Trump enacted the Muslim ban. If you don’t see the problem with this, then there is something wrong with you. Our government is actively detaining people at the airports and sending people back. People who have lives, families, and jobs here simply because their skin is brown and maybe, they don’t worship like we do. Saying all Muslims are terrorists is the same as saying all Christians are members of the Westboro Baptist.

I’m a Christian. I am Catholic under a pope who does not condone this Muslim ban. You cannot call yourself a Christian and disobey the fundamental teaching of the church to love your brothers and sisters as you love yourself. So to ban Muslims under the guise of Christianity is simply dressing your hate up as religion and it is not possible. The two do not line up.

America is a country born on the back of immigrants. The whole premise of our country is that it is a place where people could come when fleeing religious persecution and unjust, tyrannical governments to pursue a better quality of life. This is why we are known as a melting pot. This is what makes America great but Trump doesn’t agree.

photo via Instagram @nicoalexa

Keeping people out of our country, turning children in need away, sending people seeking political amnesty from a tyrannical dictatorship goes against everything this country stands for. It is issuing a death sentence. It’s like locking people in a burning house. We are killing them.

Calling people rapists, drug lords and terrorists are doing nothing but villainizing the victims. Have we all forgotten what happened to the Jews during the Nazi reign? And it wasn’t just the Jews that Hitler destroyed.

Hitler put 6 million Polish people (Jewish and Christian) into his concentration camps, as well as people from Hungary, Czechoslovakia, Ukraine, Russia, Holland, France and even Germany. There were 11 million victims of the Holocaust. He targeted Jews, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Roma Gypsies, Courageous Resisters, Priests and Pastors, Homosexuals, people who were disabled, Black children and anyone in an interracial marriage. Does any of this sound familiar to what we are looking down the barrel at right now?

“First we need to examine Hitler’s egocentric and maniac ideology. Hitler, who was Chancellor of Germany during the Holocaust, came to power in 1933 when Germany was experiencing severe economic hardship. Hitler promised the Germans that he would bring them prosperity and that his military actions would restore Germany to a position of power in Europe.
Hitler had a vision of a Master Race of Aryans that would control Europe. He used very powerful propaganda techniques to convince not only the German people, but countless others, that if they eliminated the people who stood in their way and the degenerates and racially inferior, they – the great Germans would prosper.
Neighboring Poland – The First Target: “All Poles will disappear from the world…. It is essential that the great German people should consider it as its major task to destroy all Poles.” Heinrich Himmler
Hitler’s first target was Germany’s closest neighbor to the east, Poland. An agricultural country with little military power. Hitler attacked Poland from three directions on September 1, 1939 and in just over one month, Poland surrendered — unable to defend itself against the powerful German prowess.
In Poland, Hitler saw an agricultural land in close proximity to Germany, populated by modest but strong and healthy farmers. Hitler quickly took control of Poland by specifically wiping out the Polish leading class — the Intelligentsia. During the next few years, millions of other Polish citizens were rounded up and either placed in slave labor for German farmers and factories or taken to concentration camps where many were either starved and worked to death or used for scientific experiments.”

Do you see the similarities? To read more similarities, read more from this article about the Non-Jewish victims of the holocaust. Just in case you think you are safe from the New Nationalists because you are white?

Edmund Burke once said, “Those who don’t know history are doomed to repeat it.”

Please know your history or you will fall victim to it. I don’t know about you but I don’t want to be a part of a history that destroys our country under a government that cares nothing for us but for what we can do for it.

I will not stand idly by as my rights are stripped away one by one. I am a human being and so are you and we have to stick together to fight against what is sure to be history repeating itself. It’s already begun. It’s been a week. What do you think this will all look like in the history books in after 4 years? Viva La Resistance!

It’s time to mobilize. Get into formation ladies, gentleman, children, homosexuals, Muslims, Latinos, Disabled people and the poor and disenfranchised. Time to protect our freedoms and our human rights and dignity.

Give us your tired, your poor and your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.

What are you doing to resist?

2017/01/30 8 comments

Confessions Health Women's Issues

When to Worry about Skipping a Period

by Deborah Cruz 2016/10/25

written by Deborah Cruz

There’s nothing quite so terrifying to a woman over 40 than unintentionally skipping a period because it means one of two things, either you’re unexpectedly pregnant or you’re perimenopausal; neither option is very appealing to me at this point in my life.

2016/10/25 2 comments

hysterectomy, last period ever, menstruation, uterine fibroids

30 to Life Health

When You Realize that You Just had Your Last Period Ever

by Deborah Cruz 2018/11/06

written by Deborah Cruz

When you’re young, it feels like waiting forever for your period to come. Then, once you start, it feels like you are going to have a period forever. I can’t tell you how many times I wished it would stop in my lifetime. But I never thought, and still don’t, about what it would be like to have your last period ever.

As many of you know, since I wrote about it ad nauseum as I was freaking out, I’ve been having some issues of late with my lady bits. A few weeks ago, it was a few hours before my birthday and I felt more like I was about to attend my own funeral. That’s what happens when you have a 38-day period, an emergency “poor man’s d&c” and you are on so many hormones that you don’t know whether to laugh or cry, so you do both. Anyways, if you want to read about that..it’s all on this blog.

READ ALSO: Waiting for Biopsy Results

Today though, I’m here to talk to you about something completely different. Now, after 78 days of constant flow of the heaviest cycle, I’ve ever experienced, anemia induced by blood loss and generally not being sure what the heck is going on with my female parts. Today, with a hysterectomy on the horizon, I’m realizing that this nearly 3 month period will be my last ever.

Which is amazing in all kinds of All CAPs AWESOME ways but then it hit me, just now, in the shower, that this is probably my last.period.ever. I should be ecstatic. I mean 78 days is a long time. But so is forever.

Last year, when my doctor first came to me with the idea of a hysterectomy. I looked at her like she was insane. I’m too young for a hysterectomy. I’m not menopausal. I’m vibrant. I’m fertile. I’m every freaking 28 days, ovulating on day 14. I’m a reproductive machine. Only this machine has chosen not to grow any more humans. This machine is not a machine at all. It’s a woman with all the feels. I’m a woman who found out last week that my uterus and fibroids are conspiring to mess me up. They are doing medically unseen things.

Last year, a hysterectomy was an elective opportunity to stop some nuisance heavy days. I knew I wasn’t going to have any more babies because when I lost the one, it broke me but I wanted the option. What can I say, my uterus makes me feel special. It’s like a superpower and I wasn’t ready to give that up. I’m still not BUT when you are hit square in the jaw with an emergency type situation and told that you might have cancer, well, then a hysterectomy sounds like a breeze; like clipping toenails or trimming fringe. That’s how I came around to my current reality.

But now my period, this crazy long cycle, is my very last period. I mean she’s going out with a bang. 34 years of right on time cycles ending with a 78-day, Shining type of a rager, I’d say my uterus is the flipping Rolling Stones rock star of uteri.

Why am I telling you all of this? Well, many of you have been here since the girls were babies. You held my heart when it was broken into a zillion tiny pieces and duck taped that bitch back together when I lost my third baby. You’ve read all about the saga that is my reproductive mishaps, I thought you’d like to know when I played my farewell show. I don’t think there will be any more encores. There better not be. Geez, Keith Richards the uterus…go the fuck home.

But, I’m scared. Nothing about this has been “normal”. I’m constantly surprising my gynecologist and I really don’t know what to expect tomorrow. I may wake up with an incision and no ovaries but the plan is to have a robotic surgery and leave the ovaries. I’m not ready for menopause or any of the hormonal treatments that go with it. I’ve been on hormones for the past 78 days to stop the bleeding and it’s making my vision blurry, my moods all over the place, my blood pressure high and a host of other issues. I just want to be normal again. I just want to stop bleeding and feel good.

Pray for me. Keep me in your thoughts. I’ll be here on the couch for the next 6-8 weeks recovering with limited mobility. Apparently having your baby maker removed is a big deal. Pray for the Big Guy, he will be playing the role of Mr.Mom as I won’t be able to drive for at least 3 weeks. I need a mommy meal on wheels and a maid, STAT.

2018/11/06 2 comments

gynecological misadventure, gynecological visit, mammogram, pregnancy, miscarriage, fibroids, mammogram, menopause, millenials

Confessions Humor Women's Issues

The Gynecological Misadventure of a Millennial -ish Mom

by Deborah Cruz 2016/03/14

written by Deborah Cruz

A gynecological misadventure is never fun, especially when they involve surprises and words like fibroids, pregnancy, menopause, miscarriage and mammogram all in the same visit. Last week, I had my “yearly” exam and mammogram because women’s reproductive health is my jam. And, I discovered the meaning of life or at least solved one of life’s great mysteries, why women start getting mammograms at 40 and not 25.

As the mammogram tech, the same lady who did my first mammogram last year, gingerly fondled my breast as she positioned and repositioned my very pliable breasts I realized, had I not given birth, breastfed and subsequently fallen victim to gravity, there is no way that she could maneuver my breasts into this machine. Mammograms are not a young woman’s game. Then I laughed because I remembered that I used to be known for my breasts and my legs. How’s that for irony? Broken and Broken. Check and Check.

Pert breasts could never do what these ever so gracefully aged, slightly used breasts can do. No way my 25 year old tits cold be placed into a machine as an entity in and of itself, separate from my body, as if I could remove them.., place them in the machine, walk out of the room and come back after pressing the imaging button. No way!!

Mature breasts have lived more and while they may be slowly creeping into my armpits because my hatred of bras has increased almost as much as my newfound love of full-coverage panties, they still have some life in these old girls… even if they are 3 inches lower than they used to be. You know the story, the bigger they are, the harder they fall.

I thought my “advanced maternal aged” pregnancy at 31 made me feel old, well… you can imagine what being referred to 3 times (by 3 different medical professionals) as menopausal at “my age” made me feel like?

It was like suddenly my lady bits dried out, shriveled up, got arthritis and no longer functioned. I felt old, like my uterus suddenly needed a walking cane. Like the fruit that were my loins had suddenly rotted on the vine. Hey ladies… Don’t you worry about my bits, they’re working just fine, every 28 days just like clockwork and my ovulation could give any 27-year-old a run for her money. The shark week force is still strong with this one.

The gynecological inner workings of my lady bits were insulted and then my ego was grievously injured. Shot through the uterus. Menopausal? Jesus! Had my moisturizer stopped working? This was more embarrassing than the fu man chu incident of 2005!

I knew this exam was different because for the first time in my lifetime, the doctor didn’t have to grab for the world’s deepest speculum, you know the one that feels like my uterus is in my throat? Nope she was able to use the “regular” speculum, just like she uses on everyone else. Whomp whomp. In a weird way I took pride in that crazy deep cervix of mine, it made me feel special like a gynecological unicorn but alas, now I am “average”.

I balked. “Wait? Is something wrong down there?” My doctor, whose sense of humor is just as randy as my own, replied, ” No, sometimes this just happens to women when they get “old”. Their uterus begins to fall.”

Not “older” that bitch said “old” and then she giggled, signaling to me that she was in fact giving me a hard time. I mean, I’m not Michelle Duggar, my uterus should be firmly in place and this lady wants to play Chicken Little with jokes about my uterus falling! Did I mention she’s only 3 years younger than me? Hey now!

Luckily, she quickly followed that by, “It’s hormonal. At different times of the month it can feel differently.” That didn’t give me any relief. And then while doing the physical exam, she gave me the head tilt and ” Hmmm?” Not a combo I like to see at my doctor’s visit.

Wait! What’s going on? Is my fucking uterus actually falling? Nope, she followed with this, ” Well, your uterus feels about the size of a 10-12 week pregnant uterus.”

Dumbfounded.

Silence.

Gynecological misadventure number 1; possible pregnancy.

If you thought an accidental pregnancy at almost 40 was scary, you can’t even imagine what one today would do to me.Whispering as all the color and blood rushed from my face, “What? I’m not pregnant! Am I?” I hoped she had the defibrillator near by. Obviously being “menopausal and of the reproductive age of retirement ” I was going to have a heart attack any second now. Then, my brain, “Booyah bitches! Who you calling menopausal now?” Strangely, momentarily, I felt reproductively vindicated.

Wait? Was I one of those morons who didn’t know they were pregnant until they went into labor? 147 IQ, you failed me. Oh God, senility is setting in, maybe I am menopausal?

Then she tilted her head the other way and said, “Hmmm” again as she manhandled my uterus.., “Nope! Have you been having regular periods? When was your last one?”

Gynecological misadventure number 2; a possible miscarriage!

“26 days ago. I’m starting again on Thursday.” In my brain, ” oh dear Jesus, I’ve had a miscarriage again.” Holding back tears, saying a rosary in my head.

More uterine fondling, this time it felt personal. She tilted her head back in the other direction, “Hmmmmm, nope!”

Silence

Waiting

Jeopardy music playing in my head.

“Probably just fibroids!”

“Just fibroids?” Que loca? There’s no such thing as just tumors in your uterus.

“Just tell the front desk to schedule you for a ultrasound and we’ll take a look next time.”

Gynecological misadventure number 3; cancer?

I tilted my head, “Hmmmm, Nope!” I suddenly staged a sit in of one. I refused to leave the building without knowing whether I was dying or not. Damn you webmd. Just like the 108-degree bronchitis fever incident in 2009. I’ll sit here forever. I’ve got nothing but time, lady. She knows that I’m was just crazy enough to do it.

Needless to say, I was seen immediately for my transvaginal ultrasound. Suddenly, I found myself pantless in stirrups having trouble breathing. Then I remembered the last time I was in this room, on this table, I was told, ” I’m sorry, there is no heartbeat.” The day that all I could do was cry.

Gynecological misadventure number 4; fibroids?

As a middle-aged tech, at least 10 years my senior explained to me that fibroids are common in women who are “menopausal” I nearly lost my shit. If only I could breathe. Then she showed them to me, my fibroids. All 3 of them. I had gotten my first one with Bella, a second with Gabs and I’m assuming a third with the pregnancy I lost. I wanted a tattoo to commemorate the baby I lost but instead, I got fibroids as a parting gift.

So, I go upstairs and wait to see my doctor again. She confirms that I’ve got the fibroids (guess its better than hemorrhoids?) but it’s nothing to worry about. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I quietly asked her the question that we’re all dying to know the answer to, “Am I menopausal?”

Gynecological misadventure number 5; menopause?

She giggled, no hmmm or head tilt this time, “No, you have no symptoms and you are still regularly menstruating and ovulating. Some women do start the process at 35, though. But no, you’re not menopausal.”

I felt like she should have handed me a damn t-shirt saying as much. I felt reproductively spry. Then, I gave her a hug bye and said, “Can you pass the word along to the rest of your staff and… I’ll take that referral for a vasectomy for my husband now. You know since obviously, I’m still fab, fit and fertile!” My uterus is a millennial even if my breasts are looking middle-age ish these days. Damn you breastfeeding.

And we both laughed.

Have you ever suffered a gynecological misadventure or (any doctor for that matter) and how did you handle it?

2016/03/14 6 comments

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